All My Goodbyes
by miss-motormouth
Summary: Buffy makes one final visit to Angel.


Title: All My Goodbyes 1/1  
  
Author: Emily  
  
Rating: PG 13 or G? It's pretty tame.  
  
Category: B/A of course. Kinda angsty. Kinda fluffy.  
  
Summary: Buffy makes one final visit to Angel.  
  
Spoilers: Post 'The Gift'. The events in 'Bargaining' and the rest of season six haven't happened yet and aren't going to happen in this story and my version of Buffy's feelings/heaven etc is different from that portrayed on the show. This fiction is partially inspired by a book called 'Remember Me' by Christopher Pike. Read it, it's great.  
  
Disclaimer: Characters belong to Joss and Marti...gee wait, I have to go polish my picture of my high school sweetheart... ahem well anyway the events in this fiction are entirely of my making although the original idea came partially from 'Remember Me' by Chris Pike as mentioned above. Oh and the song lyrics at the beginning and end belong to Michelle Branch of course.  
  
Distribution: Wild Horses, fanfiction.net, SU. Anywhere else, sure, just ask,  
  
Feedback: I would love feedback of course and will treasure any. I'll frame it and put it up beside my high school sweetheart photo...*g*, note sarcasm :) Pipergal33@yahoo.co.uk  
  
  
  
All My Goodbyes  
  
  
  
" Closing my eyes and you chase my thoughts away  
  
To a place where I am blinded by the light "  
  
  
  
There was a light after all. Not bright and overpowering like the one I jumped into but soft and gentle. Like the beginning of a sunset. No winged angels, no choirs of cherubs appeared to guide me but I knew I was supposed to go into that light.  
  
I didn't. The light would wait for me. There are things that are more important than heaven, like saying goodbye. I have so many goodbyes that there would never be enough time. Brief whispers in the ears of the people I loved - now that I'm gone, they couldn't mean anything. They wouldn't matter. I close weary eyes that aren't visible to the mortal and all of a sudden I know there's one goodbye that means something.  
  
* * *  
  
He's dreaming. I lightly touch his forehead and of course it doesn't wake him, my fingers are invisible, immaterial. I'm not even here after all. Slowly colours start to swirl around me, radiant yellow, the orange of a sunset and the darkness of the ocean. They swirl around me and through me and I'm there in his dream,  
  
I'm not surprised that it's the beach I dreamed about after he went to hell. I almost expected it. Angel's standing alone and I feel a little pang.  
  
" Angel" I say his name softly, my feet leading me towards him. I look down and am surprised to see that I have form in dreams. I'm clothed in the same pink dress as I wore last time I was here. This time though it's me who's gone. This time I'm older and the sand scrapes against my feet like broken glass.  
  
He turns to face me and says "Buffy". Greeting each other in the exact same way we used to. Angel looks older too and there's an anguish and exhaustion in the lines of his face that's never been there before.  
  
There's a questioning in his voice that was never there before either and I nod in response to his words. I reach out and touch his face and we don't need words. He brushes his lips lightly against mine, something infinitely tender in the gesture and then he presses his face against my neck. I remember his teeth biting into my neck. I close my eyes again because sometimes that's all I can do and I remember everything. My arms go tightly around him and I feel him crying against me. The hot tears almost burn my skin because I'm gone and he's not but in this moment we're *here*.  
  
All of a sudden I know this goodbye means everything. And maybe I shouldn't have come because I don't think I can say goodbye. Oh I never could let go, not when I was alive or even it seems now. I want to stay here even though I know it's just a dream. A dream that eventually he'll wake up from and I'll be gone.  
  
His hands are falling through my back suddenly and I must have done something with my thoughts because somehow I'm dragging him out of the dream. He falls abruptly back into his body and I fall out of the dream and back into his room.  
  
* * *  
  
Angel throws the sheets away from him and they stick a little to his body. He gets out of bed, clad only in a pair of black boxers. His breathing is heavy and he starts to pace around the room, looking troubled. Then he raises his head and looks directly at me. But I'm not there, the small part of me that remembers being logical yells. Angel says my name and the few logical thoughts disappear.  
  
" Buffy" He repeats walking closer to me. He reaches out and touches me, pushing an errant strand of hair out of my face and I gasp. I don't understand. This wasn't supposed to happen, how can he see me?  
  
" You can see me?" I ask weakly  
  
Angel nods.  
  
" I...I came to say goodbye." I tell him.  
  
" You're still – " He asks and something fades from his face.  
  
Dead? Gone?  
  
I nod and my heart breaks a little. I press my lips against his, almost desperately and he responds to the kiss, his hand slides up my neck and catches in my hair. Our lips bruise each other in the urgency of it and then I pull away from him. I run a hand down his face, trying to memorise the feel of it although it's forever etched in my memory already. I never had a chance of forgetting even back when I wanted to.  
  
" I'm sorry" I say softly.  
  
Angel frowns, looking confused. " Sorry?"  
  
" For dying. I always figured that you would die at the same time. In a fight or something. I didn't want to go without you. " I shrug helplessly.  
  
" I died." He says holding my gaze. " Not literally but...Buffy, I died."  
  
I look at him and I know I should go. I know I'm already gone. I just didn't know the dead could cry. He reaches out and wipes the tears away from my face with gentle fingers.  
  
" Will you wait for me?" Angel asks suddenly.  
  
I nod unequivocally. Of course I'll wait for him. I think I spent my whole life waiting for him.  
  
" But you should be happy. You shouldn't wait for me. You should fall in love with someone else and be happy" I protest slightly because waiting for him almost killed me. I tried and I couldn't love anyone else but maybe he can.  
  
" I wouldn't be happy" He says seriously. " I don't think I could be"  
  
" Love you" I whisper against his ear and then I fall again, his " I love you" in reply echoing in my head.  
  
* * *  
  
Angel's asleep, sleeping well almost, his hands clinging to the sheets and realisation sweeps through me. I should have known.  
  
I should have known.  
  
But I wanted to believe it was real, that it wasn't a dream, that he could really see me. How I wanted to believe. The pain cuts through me and I sigh. I don't know if it was his dream or my dream but whichever one it was, he was there.  
  
Oh, the dead can cry. A couple of tears trickle down my face but I wipe them away. He'll wait for me and I'll wait for him. I press a final kiss against his lips and Angel stirs a little in his sleep.  
  
His eyes flicker open and he wakes. Angel sits up in bed and looks around the room.  
  
" Buffy" He says and he can't see me but maybe he can feel me.  
  
I smile. " Goodbye"  
  
I say it and I know that forever wouldn't be enough time to say goodbye. I don't have forever but maybe later there'll be time. For the moment now will have to do.  
  
Warmth and light sweep through me and I'm gone, thoughts of Angel taking me into that light.  
  
  
  
" And when the stars fall  
  
1 I will lie awake"  
  
  
  
Fin. 


End file.
